Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Ahh, new beginnings!

No pictures this time! Just me. December was rough, and it's taken me a while to get my bearings, but I think I'm well on my way to regaining myself!

This weekend, I went to March Crown, an SCA West Kingdom event, and had a marvelous time. I haven't been to events in nearly three years, because, well... *hopes the implication is clear without stating the obvious* It was just amazing to be back. My Household family was mostly all there, the core group at least, and there was much drumming. I saw friends in other Houses I hadn't seen in years, caught up on the latest news, and met new friends! (We also had a slight run-in on Saturday night, but I'm trying my best to ignore it.) I even *gasp, drum roll, please* put on The Outift. Tanya put hers on, so I did too. I was nervous, fearful, and postive that I looked a fool, but I put the sucker on anyway. (I did refuse to look at myself in a mirror, though.) Then the drumming started, and Tanya taught me some more moves, and we started to dance (and I downed copious amounts of rum). All of a sudden, I wasn't nervous or shy anymore! My family all told me how beautiful I was and how wonderfully I danced (aren't they sweet!) I got hit on by men and women alike. I danced some more, and had more liquid courage, and laughed, smiled, talked, and danced til 2am. I didn't stutter, or stumble over my words, and I managed to say the right things and make people laugh and smile. It was extaordinary!

I returned Sunday with my spirits amazingly lifted. It was exactly what I needed, I think- to be reminded that I am unconditionally accepted and loved by my true friends. It put the heart back into me, to know I was, after all, attractive enough to hit on. It restored my faith in myself, to know that I haven't lost ALL of my confidence and self esteem, and that I can, in fact, get up and put on a ridiculously revealing outift and do some hip bumps, even though you couldn't have convinced me, prior to doing it, that I ever had the courage.

So the first new beginning, for me, is really a return to the old me, the pre-Jake me. The me that liked the SCA, that loved to brew, and drum, and laugh, and just BS with my friends. The me that knew I had something to offer, that knew I was attractive to at least a minor segment of the male population.

The next new beginning is somewhat scarier, but this past weekend has given me more courgae about it. I'm moving! Yes, yes, at long last. Ever since I moved in with my parents, as grateful as I am, and will always be, for opportunity to go back to school, the rescission of that aspect of my independence has always shamed me, at least a little. There is no longer, obviously, any plan to move to San Diego, so I am moving to Carmichael, into a pretty little remodeled 1- bedroom apartment. The scary part is, I think, because I fear I have become too used to living with the folks. And I remember why I moved in with them in the first place. I'm a little afraid I won't be able to make it out in the big, scary world. On the other hand, I've been ready to get back out there for a long time now, and I'm very much looking forward to getting out and spreading my wings.

At least there will be enough floorspace to spread them, now!

Fechak's Moving Week From Hell fresh in my mind, I'm hoping I don't tempt the Great God Murphy into something similar. I have everything (I think) all carefully planned out, and am almost finished packing. Within a week, I'll be in my new place, putting my old things away in their new places, and I'm already smiling about the stuff I'll finally be able to have again, such as my brewing equipment, which has been in storage for nearly three years!

There will be room to dance, in this new place. I welcome the return of me!

4 comments:

Lauren said...

*celebrates* it is always such a wonderful thing to be among friends. Congratulations on the outfit, the brewing, and the new pad! (and I'm still jealous of the dancing >.>)

I wish you happy moving, easy transitions, and a non-idiot installer of your new internets. *grins* We've missed you online, but it's good to see that life is going well for you.

Celera said...

Good for you! I'm so glad to see that you are moving forward in your life and doing things you enjoy. Getting back to your own apartment sounds like a great next step.

And hey, some of your old WOW friends love you unconditionally too, you know, even if we don't hit on you. I mean, I suppose I could, if it would make you feel better... :)

Celera said...

Oh, your post reminded me of this quote I read the other day. It just keeps coming back to me for some reason.

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

It's from Kierkegaard. I'm not even sure why it struck me like that, but ... maybe just that the anxiety is sort of a good thing.

Amy said...

I am so happy to read that! You are a beautiful person, not only in spirit but on the outside as well.

I'm still jealous of your experiences belly dancing!